The Legend of Zelda and All Those Other Girls Too
by Angel of Atonement
Summary: Link desperatly tries to find another girl to marry him before it's too late to get out of his engagement with Ruto, with plenty of laughs along the way. Well, laughs for us anyway. Please Read & Review.
1. The Unbearable Fate

**AoA****: Okay fellow Legend of Zelda fans! This is Angel of Atonement and it's time for my very first Zelda story!**

**Zelda: Finally! A story about me! You have good taste AoA.**

**AoA: Uh, let me correct myself. It's time for my very first Link story!**

**Link: Oh yeah! The world can't get enough of me!**

**Zelda: Another story about him? I'm the game's namesake! Would every one stop writing about my glorified errand boy for once?**

**Link: What did you just call me?**

**AoA: Ahem! As I was saying, this story is about Link and the quest that is more important to him than any other.**

**Zelda: Oh, it must be to save me from some horrible fate. What else could motivate him so?**

**Link: Saving dirt from being stepped on?**

**Zelda: Why you...**

**AoA: AHEM! Link, just do the disclaimer, please.**

**Link: Angel of Atonement does not own the Legend of Zelda...**

**Zelda: The legend of WHO, again?**

**AoA: Don't interrupt the disclaimer!**

**Link: As I was saying, he doesn't own the rights to the game. Nintendo does.**

**Zelda: And he never will if I have anything to say about it.**

**AoA: Enough of this. Here we go!**

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**The Legend of Zelda and All Those Other Girls Too**

**Chapter One: The Unbearable Fate**

Link walked out of Hyrule Castle Town, once again his youthful self, and realized the truth of his situation. He had just saved the world. Ganondorf had been sealed away in the evil realm from all times by the power of Zelda, the Sage of Time. However, in his quest Link had been forced to make a great sacrifice. A sacrifice that he now realized he was not strong or courageous enough to bear the burden of.

He had been forced to mature out of his childhood in an instant. That he could cope with.

His best friend Navi had vanished without a word once his journey was complete. He could manage to adjust.

The fabric of time itself was strained by his quest and now the responsibility of the balance of reality rested upon his and Zelda's shoulders. Who the heck cared?

There was one thing he was forced to agree to that he could just no longer accept. His great deed was done and there was no changing it, so now he resolved to find a way out. No matter what, he would find a way to rid himself of these consequences that threatened to tear him apart with their intensity. This was his new quest. His new purpose. To save himself.

"Please?"

"No."

"Pleeeaaasseee?"

"No!"

"PLLLLLEEEEEAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSEEEEEEEEE?"

"NO!"

"But I don't wanna marry Ruto!" Link whined in frustration.

"I don't care," King Zora replied, immune to Link's desperate pleading to use his royal power to force him out of his engagement. "She told you what it meant and you still did it. It's your own fault."

Link would forever regret taking the Zora's Sapphire from Princess Ruto. She said she could only give it to the man she would eventually marry. How was he supposed to know she wasn't kidding? He thought saving her life and the life of the Zoran god would be enough. Apparently Ruto thought higher of herself than Link did. Or anyone did for that matter.

"You can't make me marry her! She's ugly! And scaly! And wet! And has a gigantic head! And swims with the elegance of a flounder on land despite the fact that she's supposed to be aquatic!"

Link was fairly certain he could keep giving King Zora reasons he, or anyone, should never, ever marry his daughter until his voice permanently left him. Luckily it didn't come to that.

"Hey now, you can't blame my daughter for her humongouly misshapen head," the King replied. Link couldn't help but notice that he had chosen to embellish upon Link's choice of words. "She does have me for a father after all. She's lucky her body came out in anything resembling proper proportions."

Link had to admit that this was true. Link had never met Ruto's mother, but he had assumed that she must have been the skinniest Zora ever born in order for Ruto to share any relation to the immense King Zora.

The fact was, Link had been forced to come to his own conclusions about where Ruto's mother was, since no one ever mentioned her. His first assumption was that King Zora had rolled over in bed and crushed her to death some time after Ruto was born. Of course he quickly dismissed this on two counts. One: There was no way King Zora's ridiculously skinny legs could support his gigantic oval frame anywhere off the ledge he always sat on(Which left Link forcing himself not to wonder how Ruto was conceived in the first place. Some questions were better left unanswered.) and Two: If he did, there was no bed that would ever support him.

Based on those two observations Link had come up with the theory he had carried all the way to this point in time. Ruto was the result of a terrible failure in genetic engineering that resulted in her horrible form and screwed up personality. Now that King Zora had implied Ruto really was his daughter by blood, Link would be forced to come up with a new explanation.

_Stupid Ruto. She just keeps causing me more trouble._

"Look you majesty," he began again after his extremely tiring mental contemplation. "You and I both know that you're only forcing this on me because you know Ruto will never get anyone else to marry her."

"Well..."

"ADMIT IT!"

"ALRIGHT! IT'S TRUE! IT'S ALL TRUE!"

"Good. Now get me off the hook."

"Sorry. Can't be done."

"WHAT? I saved the frickin' world from total oblivion! That's gotta be worth SOMETHING!"

"True, and I would like to help you, but..."

"But...?"

"Well..."

"Ruto scares you too, doesn't she?"

"Of course she does! You've spent time with her."

"Only against my will."

"Well imagine living with her 24/7."

"That's exactly what I'm trying to avoid! Do you really want to force that life on anyone? ESPECIALLY ME!"

"Hmm. There may be one possible way out for you."

"WHAT? WHAT IS IT? I SWEAR IF YOU DON'T TELL ME I'LL MURDER EVERY ZORA IN THE UNIVERSE!"

"CALM DOWN BOY! I'M TRYING TO HELP YOU!"

"Sorry. I got really worked up there."

"I understand," King Zora replied with a nod. Link could tell that he really did understand how the thought of a chance to rid yourself of Ruto could drive a man to genocide.

"As I was saying, there may be one thing that will let both you and me get out of this situation safely."

"What is it?"

"If you could find another girl willing to marry you and bring her back here, we just might be able to convince Ruto that you were already engaged before you took the Zora's Sapphire, thus nullifying the engagement you made to her."

"Really? You think she'd buy that?"

"This is Ruto we're talking about."

"Oh yeah. Right."

"But, we won't have much time. Ruto must know you're here. When she asks me what we talked about I'll tell her that you came to inform me you were already engaged, and made a false promise to her in order to get the jewel. I'll tell her that you're going to go retrieve your finance and come back with her as proof. Of course, if it works I'll have to banish you from Zora's Domain forever for lying to the Princess."

"You think I'd ever come back here?"

"No, I didn't think you'd mind. That's why I picked that punishment. However, if you're gone for any more than five days Ruto will get suspicious. You'll only have four days to find a girl willing to marry you so you can get back here by the fifth."

"That's not much time. Good thing I can get around Hyrule faster than anyone."

"Indeed. Now I suggest you get going before she finds you."

"Right!"

At the thought of actually having to look at princess Ruto Link turned around and ran for the exit of Zora's Domain. Once safely outside he could start trying to figure out who would be willing to marry him. He had met plenty of girls on his journey. In theory, he should be able to guilt one of them in to it with the old 'I saved the world' line. Unfortunately Link's happy thoughts were cut short by the sound of his nightmares.

"Link!"

For once Link was glad he had matured seven years. The language adults could say in their minds was very helpful for relieving stress in these situations.

"H-hi Ruto," Link managed to force out with a sickly look on his face. The Zoran Princess failed to notice. Either that or she didn't care.

_So close_, Link thought, looking at the exit right next to him. _Aarrggghhhhhhh!_

That last thought was not inspired by his frustration at being caught, but rather by the fact that Ruto was clutching on to his exposed arm very tightly.

_So gross so wet so squishy so gross!_

"Link, you came to see me! I'm so happy!"

_World peace. Navi coming back. Regaining my lost childhood. Never having seen Zelda cross-dressing. Never having seen Impa. Ganondorf in a tutu. Nabooru in a bikini. A billion rupees. Ruto gutted, cleaned and roasted._

Of all the happy thoughts Link could bring up to help him fight off the urge to vomit, that last one seemed to work the best.

"So, my dear finance..."

_Ruto fish sticks, Ruto fish sticks, Ruto fish sticks_..

"What were you talking with my dad about?"

"Uh, actually I promised to do something for him. In fact he said he would need to talk to you right away. I'm not allowed to tell you. You should go see him now."

"Oh, but I want to spend time with you," she said, forcing herself closer on him. "It feels like forever since we got some quality time to get to know each other."

_We've never gotten to know each other, you genetic muta...oh yeah. I need a new name for her._

"Well, I'll be back in five days at the most so just wait a little longer, okay?"

"Well...okay," she consented, finally releasing him.

_Ah, heaven..._

"I'll see you soon, sweetheart!" she called as she waddled her way up to her father's permanent location.

_Not if I can help it, fish face._

He hadn't thought of a good new name for her in his mind yet, but he was sure he'd find something over time.

Link raced out of Zora's domain and leaped out of the water fall. He quickly considered who he could ask to marry him first, but now he found that a nagging question kept interrupting his concentration.

_What **would** roasted Ruto taste like?_

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**AoA: Yes! It's alive! It's ALIIIIIIIVVVEEE!**

**Link: What the heck are you going on about?**

**AoA: I've finally written the first chapter! It's all planned out! Now I just have to type it up piece by piece! I've wanted to get this out for so long and it's finally happening!**

**Ruto: Link! There you are!**

**Link: AH! What the heck is SHE doing here?**

**AoA: As the inspiration of this story I wanted her to behere at the closing ofthe last chapter.**

**Link: Traitor!**

**(Ruto grabs him and hugs him tight)**

**Link: Why do you insist on torturing me?**

**AoA: Because it's fun. Anyone interested in reading some Zelda work that helped inspire this fic should check out Uber Spoonz. They've written some serious and hilarious Zelda stories. Really great stuff.**

**Zelda: Hah. Shameless Plug. How low of you.**

**AoA: It's only a shameless plug if you promote your own stuff, Zelda!**

**Link: WOULD SOMEONE GET THIS FREAK OF NATURE OFF OF ME ALREADY?**

**AoA: Nah.**

**Zelda: No thanks.**

**Ruto: Never!**

**Link: AAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!**

**AoA: Peace out!**


	2. Here Comes the Groom

**AoA: I'm back! And sooner than expected, too! Hooray for me!**

**Saria: Oh yes, we're all soooo glad to see YOU again.**

**AoA: Am I detecting sarcasm in your voice?**

**Navi: Duh! You're story is going to make us all look like freaks!**

**AoA: But Navi, you aren't even IN my story.**

**Navi: I know, but I just don't feel right if I'm not complaining about or pointing out SOMETHING.**

**Link: Tell me about it.**

**Navi: Okay. It all started when I was...**

**Link: Ah! No! Not again! I'm supposed to be rid of you!**

**Saria: Didn't you go on an epic quest to find Navi in Majora's Mask?**

**Link: The writers got it wrong. I was running away to make sure Navi couldn't find me if she ever **

**returned.**

**AoA: Well anyways, this fic will not be making you all look like freaks. Ruto maybe, and possibly **

**Link at times, but most of you other girls SHOULD be safe. Unless I get creative. Or insane.**

**Zelda: Isn't your email address creat1ve1nsan1ty?**

**AoA:Yes. Why?**

**Link: We're doomed.**

**AoA: Well now, how about Navi does the disclaimer since she visited us?**

**Navi:...which is why my voice has an incredibly high pitch at all times to this very day. Now as for why I am compelled to point out the obvious, it goes back to when the Deku Tree...**

**Link: I've heard this story before. She'll be busy for a while.**

**AoA: Doesn't she notice no one is listening?**

**(All shake their heads)**

**AoA: Ooookaaaay...How about Saria then?**

**Saria: Angel of Atonement does not own the Legend of Zelda series, though he hopes that one day he will.**

**AoA: How did you know that?**

**Saria: Because you just told me! HA!**

**AoA: Uh, right. Here we go!**

**Navi: ...until the other fairies finally got sick of it and decided to let the sick dog out of the hole, which is where I come in, because I found out that...**

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**The Legend of Zelda and All Those Other Girls Too**

**Chapter Two: Here Comes the Groom**

Link walked swiftly alongside the Zora River as he tried to figure out the best course of action. King Zora had a relatively clever plan, which amazed Link because he'd always assumed King Zora to be more of a figurehead than an active ruler, and now it was up to the Hero of Time to carry it out. Link could have easily just killed Ruto, but he figured saving the whole world only earned him the right to perform one murder of his choice and he didn't want to waste it in case Mido decided to ever talk to him in the wrong tone again. Of course, Link hated the tone of Mido's voice, so it was in all likelihood going to occur.

As thoughts of a decapitated Mido bleeding at his feet Link suddenly realized the perfect answer to his problem and whipped out the Ocarina of Time. He was supposed to return it to Zelda, but what the heck. He earned it, didn't he? Besides, he needed it to make sure he could get around Hyrule fast enough to get out of his unwanted engagement.

Link quickly played the proper notes for the Minuet of Forest, then played it again in the actual song form with all the little notes included.

_Why do I always do that instead of just playing the whole song right away?_ Link thought as he placed the ocarina away and a group of green lights enveloped him, transporting him to his desired location.

Link reappeared in the Sacred Forest Meadow, just outside the Forest Temple he conquered as an adult but was never likely to actually enter in the real time line.

_Gotta stop thinking about the weird after-effects of time travel. It's starting to give me a headache._

After rubbing his noggin and clearing his mind he set back on his original task: To find his childhood friend Saria.

Link turned around to face the stump Saria always sat on, playing her ocarina, to find an empty stump.

"Oh great," Link complained out loud. "For once she's not here. Now I have to walk all the way to the Kokiri Forest."

An exasperated Link turned and traveled through the Lost Woods once again on his way to his childhood home. After accidentally going to Goron City...twice...Link finally managed to find the correct exit.

"Stupid forest. A guy could probably end up in another dimension if he traveled around in there long enough."

Shaking off the clearly ridiculous thought Link had just voiced he set his sights once more upon finding Saria. He jumped down to the main level and considered asking Mido where she was, but then decided to save enjoying his one murder for when he had more time to enjoy it.

Spying Fado walking along the main path Link called out to her and walked over.

"Hey, Fado," he said casually. "Where's Saria?"

"I just saw her leaving the shop. She probably went back to her spot at the Sacred Forest Meadow."

After suppressing his urge to use up his one murder, which was completely unofficial and only in Link's mind, he asked a rather obvious question.

"Why didn't I see her on my way here, then?"

"Well, did you get lost?"

Fado would eventually get over Link's reaction to his own stupidity, after a few therapy sessions, but for now she just stared wide-eyed at the shock of what she'd just seen and heard as Link played the Minuet of Forest once more.

"Okay, here we go," Link said to himself as he arrived in the Meadow again. He eagerly turned around to see...an empty stump.

Luckily Fado was no where nearby this time.

"Great, now I gotta go look for her in the forest. I don't have a moment to spare."

Link once again set out in to the Lost Woods, now far more confident in his ability to navigate it, and once again ended up in Goron City.

"DARN IT! The entrance has a huge stone archway! Howdo I keep missing that?"

While Link was busy yelling at himself and the nearby Gorons were busy inching away from him slowly his brain finally caught up to what Navi could have annoyingly but appropriately informed him of a long time ago.

"Wait. I can use Saria's Song to ask her where she is."

"Darn it Navi! You stated the obvious so much I've forgotten how to think of it on my own!"

Link angrily walked back in to the Lost Woods as he played his friend's tune.

"Hello Link. It's great to hear from you again" Saria's voice called from within the Ocarina of Time.

"Yeah, uh, listen. Where are youright now?"

"I'm in the Sacred Forest Meadow of course."

_Of course..._

"Okay, I'll be right over," Link sighed as he began to play the transportation song once more.

_If only I had waited._

Finally Link turned to see his green-haired friend smiling up at him, and finally he could do what he'd set out to what felt like hours ago.

"Please?"

"No."

"Pllleeeaaassseee?

"No!"

"PLLLLEEEEEEAAAAAAAASSSSSEEEEEE?"

"NO!"

Link had an uncomfortable feeling that this might not be his first case of deja vu before he found a fiance.

"Come on, Saria! I need you to do this for me! Why won't you be my fiance?"

"Link, you're a Hylian and I'm a Kokiri."

"What, are you a racist?"

"You'll grow old and I won't."

"Any guy would kill for a girl who won't get old on him."

"There's no marriage ceremony for the Kokiri people."

"That's what Vegas is for."

"And I don't love you. I'm sorry, Link."

Saria looked away as she said this. Link was her best friend and he had obviously developed intimate feelings for her if he was asking her to marry him. Unfortunately she didn't feel the same way, and couldn't bear to look in to his eyes as she broke his heart.

Of course, Link's heart had little to do with what he was doing here.

"I'm not in love with you, either."

"What?" she asked, quite surprised. "Then why..."

"I need a fiance to get out of marrying the Hammerhead."

"Huh?"

Link quickly explained his unavoidable but unwanted engagement to Princess Ruto. He also apologized for the Hammerhead bit, stating that he had yet to come up with an appropriate insult name for her yet and was just testing some out.

"Link, that's horrible! You're going to marry someone just to avoid someone else? You risked ruining your oldest friendship over this?"

"That's the beautiful part!" Link replied, sure of his own brilliance. "You'll never get older and the Kokiri can't marry! Just come with me to Zora's Domain and promise to marry me when we both grow up! You'll never fulfill that requirement and voila: We have our loophole! No one has to get married and Ruto stays off my back! And my front."

Incorrectly sure of his own brilliance, that is.

SLAP!

Link felt slightly discouraged after being hit quite hard by his best friend, but decided to press his luck anyway.

"So, is that a no?"

POW!

Link sighed as he walked out of the nearby Fairy's Fountain where had recovered from the heavy beating Saria had just inflicted on him.

"What does she mean I'm insensitive? I explained my plan, didn't I?"

Still not used to not always having Navi with him, Link failed to realize he was talking to himself.

"'Can't play with girl's feelings like that'. What's that supposed to mean?" he muttered as he pulled out his ocarina once more. "Well, if I can't have a loophole engagement then I should at least try for a good deal with this wife thing."

Link was fairly certain that none of the other Kokiri girls would want to marry him, having spent more time spitting on him then actually talking to him over his life, so he played the Prelude of Light and was whisked off to the Temple of Time.

_If I gotta have a wife I may as well get a rich one._

Link stepped out of the Temple of Time and in to the market. Night had fallen and Link figured Zelda might think a midnight visit to be romantic or some other garbage like that. He walked up to the guards blocking the way to the castle, dropped a bomb in between them, and leisurely strolled up the path after the two ducked for cover.

Link was walking on the cliff side path that led to castle after climbing the foolishly uncut vines when he heard the guard below talking to his watch partner.

"Did you just hear an explosion?"

Ignoring this and continuing his stealthywalk to the castle Link got through the gates, around the moat, and through the crawlspace. From here it was some simple maze walking to the courtyard where Zelda always spent her free time.

Of course, it was very late, so Zelda was not in the courtyard but fast asleep in her room, as any idiot could have deduced.

"Shut up!" Link said to apparently no one.

"Stop that!" he said again to thin air. Clearly the stress of both girls not being where he wanted them to be had affected his mental health.

"I'm not crazy!" he called again as if some voice in his head were insulting him.

"Oh fine, I give up."

The fool...

"CUT IT OUT!"

...uh, the young hero...

"That's better."

...walked over to the side of the courtyard and sat down in some tall grass. He figured he'd just wait for Zelda to come by in the morning, with four days left before the Mer-monster figured out his scam.

_Nah, that one's not right either._

Several hours later Link awoke to the sight of several spear heads pointing at his face. As any fool could have figured out, the guards would check the courtyard in the morning and find him there sleeping.

"Would you stop with that already?"

The guards took Link's words to be addressed to them and not some voice in the poor boy's head, so they immediately took offence. Luckily Zelda was coming in just now and rescued the young hero, sending the guards away.

"It's nice to see you again, Link."

"Yeah, you too," Link said, though in his mind he would have been much happier to not have to see Zelda's oddly-shaped facial structure again. Luckily he could stand the thought of marrying her since he knew she'd eventually develop in to an actual feminine looking woman.

"Why did you come here, Link? Oh, right! To give it back."

Link quickly thought of every possible explanation he could come up with for what the princess could mean by that, but after a few seconds Link's blank panicky stare was starting to creep her out.

"Uh, Link?"

"OF COURSE!" Link yelled, slamming a fist in to an open hand in triumph. Unfortunately his tendency to speak private thoughts out loud, this time with great force,had frightened Zelda considerably and shenow cowered behind a nearby tree, which incidentally was new to the garden and must have been planted recently.

"Uh..." Link said quietly as Zelda poked her head out to look at him. He took his magical instrument and held it out.

"I just meant, 'of course' I remembered to return the Ocarina of Time to you," he offered. He figured returning the royal family's treasure would ensure him a shot at Zelda's hand in marriage. Not to mention that she owed him one. Or was it that he owed her one?

_Arrgh! Stupid time-travel headaches!_

Zelda finally made it over to Link after stepping slowly and cautiously back towards him and took the ocarina in her hands.

"Thank you, Link. Is there anything I can do for you, now?"

"Actually, yes," Link started, then remembered that Saria had gotten upset when he clearly spelled out his plan to get rid of the sea cow...

_Hmm. That one's not bad._

...so he decided to just pretend he actually wanted to marry the future queen.

"Zelda," he started as he got down on one knee. The princess' eyes opened very wide at this action, and she raised the hand Link had not taken hold of to cover her opening mouth.

"When we grow up," Link raised his head to look the tool of his escape from Butt-to...

_Nah, that's no good._

...straight in the eyes before he popped the inevitable question.

"Will you marry me?"

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**AoA: Well, that's it for now! I expected to go a bit farther in this chapter, but I realized just how much was actually left and decided this was a fine ending to chapter two.**

**Link: This story isn't very long, is it?**

**AoA: Nope. Just one more chapter to go before we find out if Link is doomed to marry an aquatic monstrosity or some bottom-of-the-bucket girl.**

**Zelda: Hey, we don't know if I refuse him yet.**

**AoA: Like I said, some bottom-of-the...**

**Impa: Princess! Please control yourself!**

**(Impa fights hard to restrain a furious Zelda from ripping AoA's lungs out through his throat)**

**Navi: ...and that's why I always point out the obvious!**

**AoA: ...**

**Link: ...**

**Zelda: ...**

**Impa: ...**

**Navi: What?**

**AoA: Anyway, I'd like to mention that I've currently got a Legend of Zelda trilogy in the works, which you can read about on my profile, and I've decided to hold a little brainstorming session. I'm not calling it a poll, because I won't choose whatever has the most votes, I'm just looking for ideas.**

**Locke: Yeah, 'cause you're too lazy to think of anything yourself.**

**AoA: I thought up you, didn't I?**

**Link: Who is this guy and why does he look just like me?**

**AoA: The answer to that can be found on my profile, so you might want to read it before you vote. Now here's my questions:**

**1.What would you like the names of Zelda and Ganondorf's Termina twins to be?**

**2. What are your suggestions for Link's new Ruto insult name?**

**The best insultnames will be used by link in the next chapter, with my personal favourite being the one finally chooses.**

**Locke: Sorry, but my name's pretty much set unless a lot of people tell AoA here they don't like it.**

**AoA: Quite right, my very first OC.**

**Jake: HEY! What about us?**

**Chloe: We're the main characters of your second fic and we're OCs!**

**AoA: Uh...peace out!**

**Jake and Chloe: Get back here!**


	3. Here Comes the Bride

**AoA: You demanded it. I wanted to do it. As a result, the third and final chapter of LZATOGT(Like the acronym?) is here early!**

**Malon:** **Yeah!**

**Impa:** **Excellent.**

**Nabooru:** **It's finally here!**

**Link:** **Time to get me a babe!**

**Ganondorf: I'm not even in this. Why am I here?**

**AoA: You're doing the disclaimer in exchange for being released from the evil realm.**

**Ganondorf: Aha! I told you I'd get free Link!**

**Link: Nooo!**

**Ganondorf: Angel of Atonement does not own the Legend of Zelda series, it belongs to Nintendo! Now set me free!**

**AoA: Sorry, but you just announced loyalty to Nintendo. Only they can let you out now.**

**Ganondorf: Wha...NO!**

**Link: Ha ha! Take that, Ganon-dork!**

**(Ganondorf transforms)**

**Ganon: Release me at once!**

**AoA: Would you relax? In case you didn't notice you get set free or revived or reinvented every second game or so. Nintendo is sure to bring you back eventually.**

**Link: I-is that true?**

**Ganon: Scared, Link?**

**Link** **Why would I be afraid of an over sized pig?**

**AoA: Well as the destined battle takes place once again behind me, please enjoy the final chapter. I sincerely hope you think it's as funny as I do, because I think this was my best humour fic yet.**

**Ganon: Get back here, boy!**

**Link: Die, pig-face!**

**AoA: Here we go!**

* * *

**The Legend of Zelda and All Those Other Girls Too**

**Chapter Three: Here Comes the Bride**

Link was completely confident this time. He did everything right. He picked a nice girl who he knew well and was sure liked him. He had been calm and sensitive and had done the mushy romantic tone of voice thing as he asked Zelda to marry him. He even gave her one of his "pure-hearted stares of innocence"(Patent pending!). There was no way he could fail. Zelda would swoon after she was finished blushing and...

"Oh, Link," the Princess said quietly as she broke his grip and turned her back to him.

_Stupid women! Why can't they just do what I will them to do?_

"I guess I must be quite the beauty in the future," she continued, "to have captured your heart so quickly."

_Sure, but that's hardly the point. Just say yes already!_

"And I must say that I am forever indebted to you."

_What is it with this girl and speeches? Okay, time for the telepathy._

"You are kind, chivalrous, brave, honest. You would be a fine husband."

_That's right, Zelda. You can hear me. I am your subconscious mind. Link is perfect for you. You WILL accept his very generous proposal which you clearly do not deserve._

"However.."

_DARN IT, ZELDA! I SAID ACCEPT!_

"I'm afraid my hand in marriage is not something I can offer to you," she finished sadly.

_Stupid telepathy. What good is it if I can't control people's minds?_

Link seemed to have conveniently forgotten that he had no reason to believe he had psychic powers.

_You stay out of this!_

"Link," Zelda turned and looked at her hero with sadness in her eyes and voice, her hand pressed against her chest.

Link stood up and looked back, maintaining the proper look for someone shocked and disappointed, which was quite easy at this point.

"My marriage was arranged for me when I was born. When I am old enough I will be wed to a prince from a neighboring kingdom."

_How would he get here? Hyrule's surrounded by impassable mountains on all sides for crying out loud!_

"I will have to marry for my country instead of for my heart."

At this she turned again. A small smile appeared on her lips though her eyes remained sad. She held her head up to the sky.

"But maybe...there's still hope for me..."

Zelda awaited a response but turned around when she heard none.

"Link?"

Link was not to be found in the courtyard however, as he was currently sailing rather high in to the air towards the Castle Town, trying to fight the intense pain.

_Stupid Impa! Why did she get so upset? All I asked was if she'd be willing to be my back-up fiancée if I couldn't get any other girls to accept a proposal. Does she WANT me to marry Madame Sushi?_

This name only brought up the question of what Ruto tasted like again, so Link decided to dismiss it.

At this point the boy had cleared the castle's walls and was silently praying he'd hit the moat. Despite all this, he had to admit that he was impressed by how much power the Shiekah could put in to a drop kick.

_It's not like she's married already, and if she hasn't got anyone yet she's certainly not going to. She could have at least done me a favour. It's not like I wanted to marry her. It was just for a back-up plan. I explained that._

The boy 'hero' finally managed to hit the outer moat with a splash, and recovered in time to avoid drowning. He pulled himself up out of the water and looked out across the field.

"Stupid Zelda. It's all her fault. I need a fiancée right now. I don't have time for a 'true love conquers all by stopping the arranged marriage at the last minute and winning the respect and blessing of all the people' story!"

The lad seemed to have taken up talking to the nonexistent fairy again, but was undaunted.

"Well, I guess that means I'll just have to settle for Malon," he said obliviously as he set out on foot for Lon Lon Ranch. "I figured getting a kingdom with Zelda would be better than inheriting a ranch, but maybe it won't be all bad. I can always use the livestock to start Hyrule's first celebrity-owned restaurant. I'd have to sell the land and move to Hyrule Castle Town, of course. Location, location, location."

As Link went about planning his 'definite' future for the forth or fifth time, the sun slowly set on Hyrule.

_Stupid Princess. She took the ocarina and didn't even agree to marry me. Now I have to walk everywhere. Good thing Malon can't possibly refuse me, but it's still annoying to walk. Maybe I shouldn't have traded Saria's Fairy Ocarina to those Gerudo in the future for gossip on Ganondorf's teen years._

As Link started giggling at the awkwardness of puberty that his arch-nemesis had endured while he himself had simply skipped right past that stage of life, he finally entered Lon Lon Ranch. Deciding tocompletely bypassMalon's right to choose a husband he entered the main house.

"Hey, Talon! Remember when I caught those three super cuccoos of your's?"

"Well sure, kid," the old, overweight, lazy, neglectful, stupid, ugly owner of the ranch agreed.(That's the last time I let Ingo write part of the script!)

"Well, I've decided to accept your offer on marrying Malon!"

"Ha ha!" I was only kidding about that kid. Yer too young fer that sort of thing."

"I know, but I'm willing to do it when we grow up, okay?"

"Well you'll have ta ask Malon herself, okay?" he replied humourously.

"What? Can't you just order her to do it?"

"Of course not. What kind of father would I be if I did that?"

_You're not exactly father of the year now, _Link thought angrily as he stormed out in search of Malon. It was almost sun down, but she was still out in the field singing to Epona.

"Hey Malon!" Link called out as he approached.

"Hello again fairyboy!" Malon replied happily. "Where'd your fairy go?"

"Uh, obedience school."

"What?"

"Hey listen, Malon," Link interrupted. "When we get old enough, how about you and I get married and run the restaur...ranch together? It'll be great."

"Oh, you wanna get married, Link?" Malon asked innocently. Apparently not having Navi around robbed him of the title of 'fairyboy'. Yet another reason he was glad to be rid of her.

_Great! She doesn't know any other boys because of living on the ranch and she's still naive enough not think about marriage as being a big deal or anything._

"Well...okay."

"YESYESYESYESYESYES!"

"But what's gonna be your wedding gift?"

"YESYESYESYE...what?"

"Well, I can only accept a marriage proposal if the boy can offer something really good to prove he can take care of me and the ranch. That's what dad always said."

_Stupid Talon._

"Well...uh..." the boy said, suddenly startled from his shouts of pure joy.

"If you don't have anything then I'll just have to refuse," Malon said sadly.

"NO!" Link cried in panic. "I'll...I'll go get something right now! Just let me borrow Epona!"

Link attempted to mount the steed, forgetting that he only tamed Epona in the future, and received a mouth full of dirt for his ignorance.

_This is a bad week for me and females._

After composing himself, waiting out Malon's incessant laughter, and singing Epona's Song(For lack of any instrument) Link finally got the horse under control and headed for the field again.

"Okay, gotta get a present. Gotta please Malon. Gotta avoid marrying Princess Fish Cheeks."

Link rather liked that name, but was afraid anyone who heard it would incorrectly assume he was referring to the cheeks on a face.

Night fell quickly as Link headed towards the Castle Town again and Stalchilds began to claw their way up from the earth. Link had a lot of fun running over them with Epona. There weren't any skeletons to hit and run with in the future. Of course, after he had trampled enough, like always, a giant Stalchild rose up to avenge his brethren. Link dismounted his horse, beat the giant Stalchild back in to dust, and was hit with inspiration. He remounted Epona and sped off for Kakariko.

"I'm back!" Link cried happily when he returned late in the afternoon of the next day. He had his present in tow as he walked towards his future bride. Epona ran ahead of him and nuzzled her best friend.

"Well then," Malon said sweetly as she turned around.

"Let's see what you...AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!" Malon screamed not-so-sweetly as she saw her present.

"You don't like it?" Link asked. He was honestly surprised. He had gone out of his way to get the absolute perfect gift for a ranch girl.

"LINK!" the girl yelled with uncharacteristic anger, "THAT'S A GIANT CUCCOO!"

"Yeah!" he replied happily, for some strange reason he was still confident. Or is that supposed to say 'for some stupid reason'?

The large bird was tied up with strong rope and held fast by the strong young man.

"Link, giant cuccoos are the guardians of the cuccoos!" the now fiery red head yelled as she landed a flurry of painful punches on Link, who was too busy holding on tight to his capture to block. "They only come out when someone horribly abuses cuccoos!"

"Oh."

"And...and...for you to know that...," Malon said in a disturbingly calm voice and blank stare.

"THEN YOU MUST HAVE BEEN ABUSING CUCCOOS A LOT BEFORE THIS!"

Malon's sudden calm demeanor was violently shattered as she realized what one of Link's less heroic hobbies was. She promptly chased him out of the Ranch, but Link did manage to take, well...technically 'steal', Epona before he was finally driven off.

"Hrmph!" Link groaned as he steered Epona towards the western area of the field. He had seen Malon go to tend to the giant cuccoo as he left. "She turned me down but is keeping the gift? Talk about conceited."

Link seemed to justify his talking out loud by pretending Epona could understand him and that she would care if she could.

When Link reached the entrance to Gerudo Valley it was nearly nightfall once more. Tomorrow was his last day to find a bride, and Nabooru was the only girl left he could think of. She had developed a crush on his older self, so now all he could do was hope he could convince her that marrying him was a good idea. She was older than him, but from what he'd seen Gerudo seemed to stay pretty youthful over the years, so he didn't mind putting up with her.

Sadly, that last statement was how he honestly saw the situation.

Deciding that there was no way he could get the Gerudo to let him in during the night, Link decided to camp out at Lake Hylia for his last night as a true bachelor before he was officially engaged, one way or another.

While tending to his fire and thinking solemnly about his situation, Link turned his head to see that one Zora that always swam around near the shore of Lake Hylia for some reason

_Well, it's not like anyone would miss him._

After finally satisfying his curiosity, and his hunger, Link was surprised to discover that Zoras tasted much more like chicken than fish. If he had known that the Zoras were destined to keep evolving until they became a winged avian race(The bird people from Wind Waker are the descendants of the Zora in case you didn't know) then perhaps it would have made more sense to him. But, of course, there was no way he could.

After a rather pleasant meal Link tucked himself in for the night next to Epona. He was seriously considering just marrying Ruto now and having himself a tasty honeymoon, but he couldn't bring himself to commit to it. He was no murderer.

Well, okay. He was now technically a murderer, but he was no serial killer, that he was sure of. Besides, the ceremony would no doubt involve a kiss and no meal was worth that.

After a pleasant night's sleep on a full stomach Link buried the evidence of his meal and was about to head for Gerudo fortress when...

"Link!"

_You have GOT to be kidding me!_

Link turned to see Ruto coming up out of the water where the path to Zora's Domain was. She ran up to him but looked kind of upset.

"Link! Is it true? Do you already have a fiancée?"

"Yes, Ruto. I can't marry you."

"Who is it? Is it Zelda?"

_That was plan B_, Link sighed inwardly as he realized he was currently in the middle of plan D.

"It's not Zelda, Ruto. Just go back to Zora's Domain and wait for me and her to come by tomorrow, okay?"

"Why isn't she here now? This is kind of odd..."

_So corn chip-face can actually notice the world around her. What a surprise._

Link couldn't help but wonder what the heck a corn chip was.

"Look, just go back, okay?"

"No," she replied adamantly. "Link, please break off your engagement and marry me instead."

"I don't think so."

"Please?"

"No."

"Plleeaassee?"

"No!"

"Pllleeeaaassseee?"

"NO!"

_Is this what I sound like? Nah, my voice is much more rugged and soothing._

"After a bit more arguing Link finally convinced Ruto to wait one more day for his fiancée to get back from some errand he made up but was lucky enough to not be asked to describe.

"Oh, by the way," she added before she dived in to the water. "Where's the Lake Hylia patrolman? He's supposed to be stationed here."

"He's here. I just saw him before you came by."

"Oh, alright."

And with that the two parted ways for what Link hoped would be the second-to-last time.

Unfortunately for him, the Gerudo guards wouldn't even think about letting him in to the fortress area. He begged, he pleaded andhe threatened. None of it seemed to impress the guards. It didn't help that Link was having a bad week with women and the Gerudo were all female.

Link did however get a stroke of luck when Nabooru came to the entrance to see what all the racket was about, and Link wasted no time in explaining that he was willing to let her marry him when he grew up just like her future self had wanted to.

You would think he would have learned something about women by now, wouldn't you?

Yeah, me neither.

For the second time this week Link had to endure a harsh water landing from a very high drop. When the currents eventually washed him back to Lake Hylia he dragged himself over to the beach and collapsed. He had spent all day trying to get in to Gerudo Valley and now it was night. Tomorrow he would have to go to Zora's Domain without a fiancée and his fate would be sealed.

He would be a serial killer. He had so hoped to avoid that, but there was literally nothing else he could end up as at this point.

Link closed his eyes and let sleep wash over him once more. Tonight's dreams were not as pleasant as the last. Apparently Zora meat was good for digestion.

The day had come. Link was sitting under the archway outside Zora falls, his head pressed in to his knees while his legs were held to his body. He was having a little trouble accepting that he had to kill all the Zoras, but what else could he do? Marry Ruto?

Alas, in his depression he had even lost the zest necessary for formulating an insult. It was sad really.

When Link heard someone coming down the nearby ladder to the platform he was sulking on he feared Ruto may have come looking for him. However, the soft female voice that hit his ears did not belong to the object of his disgust.

"Link?"

The Hero of Time lifted his head to see a beautiful young girl, roughly his age, with flowing light blue hair, bright blueeyes, and a silk white dress. She was looking at him with great compassion in her lovely eyes.

"W-who are you?"

The girl looked down for a moment and blushed, but regained her composure and looked him in the eye as he stood up to face her.

"I'm sorry I left, Link."

"What?"

"But after spending all that time with you, I felt more for you than I should have."

"Wait..."

"And so I wanted to do something so we could be together."

"You mean..."

"Because...I love you, Link."

"Navi?"

The fairy-turned-Hylian nodded shyly and looked at Link with deep feeling. The boy walked over and held her close, happy to see his best friend once more. He knew what he shoulddo.

"Navi, will you marry me when we grow up?"

Navi's eyes teared up instantly and she pulled out of Link's embrace just enough to look in to his eyes with great happiness.

"Of course I will!"

And with that, they shared their first kiss and made their vows.

Link and his new fiancée wasted no time in presenting themselves before the Zoran Royal Court, where Ruto' distracting sobs kept the event going loner than planned. When King Zora pronounced that Link was never allowed to return to Zora's Domain as punishment for misleading the Princess, Link could've sworn he saw the old monarch wink at him. Except fish don't have eyelids. Did Zora have eyelids?

And so Link and Navi happily left Zora's Domain and rode off on Epona together in search of a new adventure.

Of course, Link was not an idiot.

Okay that's highly arguable, but he did at least have some insight.

The young hero was well aware that his fiancée was not really Navi but an obsessed fan girl of his who had learned enough of his history to try and manipulate him in to marriage.

That was fine with Link. She was the one who saved him from Ruto and he would always love her for that, whatever her name was.

Now, Link and his deceiving future bride were heading out of Hyrule quickly, mainly because there was no place left in Hyrule where Link could avoid the wrath of an angry woman. However, before he took that last step over the border Link brought Epona to a halt and turned to look back on his homeland.

This was the land where he was born.

This was he land he had risked his life to save.

This was the land where all the people he cared for lived.

As Link finally left Hyrule for the first time, he couldn't help but think the one thought that would return to him over and over again for the rest of his days.

_I wonder what royal Zora meat would have tasted like._

**THE END**

* * *

**AoA: That's it! Finished! All done! Complete!**

**Fan Girl: I'm so happy!**

**AoA: Yeah, yeah. Don't forget those hundred rupees you owe me now.**

**Fan Girl: Here you go.**

**Link: You sold me in to marriage for a hundred rupees?**

**AoA: Hey, she only offered me fifty at first.**

**Link: What? I'm only worth fifty rupees to you?**

**Fan Girl: Of course not, honey, but I'm still a girl. I had to try for a bargain.**

**Ruto: (Sniff)I can't believe this! Why do you hate me so much?**

**AoA: Actually, this is the perfect time for a big announcement. I, Angel of Atonement, am a big Princess Ruto fan.**

**Link: What?**

**AoA: I love her. She's a well written character in the game, giving a lightened tone to a very serious atmosphere. The laugh she gave me in the Water Temple made the place slightly less unbearable. Man that place was hard on Master Quest. But I still beat it.**

**Ruto: So, will you marry me now that Link is taken?**

**AoA: I said I was a fan of your character, not that I was in love with you, Jabbu Vomit.**

**Ruto: What?**

**AoA: Hehe. It's my fav insult of all the ones I could come up with. Thanks to all my reviewers who actually submitted insult suggestions. I hope you can all agree on the ones I used.**

**Link: Weren'tmost of thosefrom the same reviewer?**

**AoA: They had a whole list to pick from. That kind of thought deserves notice.**

**Zelda: And with that, this dreadful piece of fanfiction is finally laid to rest.**

**AoA: Yep. It's finally out my head. Now I've just got my oneshot series and trilogy to worry about.**

**Link: Well, that's all the Zelda fanfiction you need to worry about. You've got plenty of others still not done.**

**AoA: True, true. Well, this may have gone on for longer than usual, but I'm very excited to finish my first Zelda fanfic. With that, I say goodbye to all of you reviewing what has become my most popular fic in terms of reviewers per chapter, and if you'd like, please let me know in your review: "What was you favourite line?"**

**Link: What was your favourite?**

**AoA: It was a tie between two lines in the first chapter opener.**

**Zelda: They're not even IN the story?**

**AoA: Nope.**

**1.**

_**Zelda: Another story about him? I'm the game's namesake! Would every one stop writing about my glorified errand boy for once?**_

**2.**

_**Zelda: Oh, it must be to save me from some horrible fate. What else could motivate him so?**_

_**Link: Saving dirt from being stepped on?**_

**AoA: Well, I've bored you all long enough!**

**Zelda: No kidding.**

**AoA: Peace out!**


End file.
